Grief is usually reserved for those we are close to—family and friends we share lifelong memories with. But what about someone you only know briefly? For nurses, experiencing grief over the loss of a patient is a unique emotion. You may not have known the person well or even at all.
The first death I experienced was early in my nursing career. At the time, I was working on a long-term care unit and still finding my footing. I arrived at work that morning and received my report like any other day. As I was checking on my patients (all 27 of them!), a trusted CNA told me something was off with one of my patients. This patient was young, only 35, the same age as me at the time. He had terminal cancer and was on hospice. I entered his room and there he was, my first patient loss. He looked so innocent and serene lying there.
Photo by RDNE Stock project
I went into a tailspin, wondering what to do. This was the first time a patient had passed on my watch. I called my director of nursing, who immediately came to my floor to help. She guided me through notifying hospice, documentation, and cleaning the body. But one final step remained: notifying the family. My director offered to call, but I felt compelled to do it. He was my patient, and I wanted to take care of him even in the afterlife. As I held the phone, my hands trembled. I wasn’t prepared for the devastation in his mom’s voice. I’ll never forget her sobbing and pleading with God.
My heart broke for her. As a new mom, I kept thinking, “What if I were her?” She told me she and her husband would be there soon to say their goodbyes. When they arrived, I met them at the front door and escorted them to the private room where we had moved him. It took all my willpower not to break down as I watched her collapse beside her child. I barely made it to the supply room before bursting into tears.
Why was I so upset? I barely knew him or his family. By the time I started at the facility, he was already nonverbal, with cancer eating away at his body. But my heart ached for his mother and her overwhelming grief. I was angry that I wasn’t there holding his hand as he took his last breath. He deserved that!
The rest of the day dragged, and I eventually made it through my shift. Twelve hours had never felt so long. When I got home, I was greeted by my husband and daughter. I felt numb but never wanted to leave that moment in time.
Time moved on, but the grief lingered. Not being there with him weighed on me. I felt overwhelmed by the grief. A friend suggested grief counseling through my employer. Speaking with a therapist helped me develop four skills to cope with losing a patient: self-reflection, seeking peer support, professional counseling, and self-care.
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection was the hardest part of processing my grief. My counselor suggested journaling and meditation. Journaling became my go-to method for coping. I’d let my thoughts flow onto the page and reading them back felt like having a private conversation with myself. Reflecting on my feelings helped me understand and cope with the loss, making me a stronger, more empathetic nurse.
Photo by Karolina Kaboompics
Seeking Peer Support
Seeking peer support is invaluable when dealing with the grief of losing a patient. Sharing your feelings and experiences with colleagues who understand what you’re going through can provide immense comfort. Since losing my first patient, I’ve seen dozens more pass. Talking with fellow nurses made a huge difference. We share stories, both happy and sad, and support each other. These conversations helped me feel less alone and provided different perspectives on coping with grief. Joining support groups at work or in the community created a safe space to express my emotions and learn from others who have been in similar situations. Building these connections has been essential in navigating tough times and finding strength in solidarity.
Professional Counseling
Professional counseling can be a game-changer for nurses dealing with grief. When I was overwhelmed by my first patient loss, talking to a therapist helped me process everything. Counseling sessions provided a safe space to share my feelings and learn effective coping strategies. Therapists offer practical advice and techniques like cognitive-behavioral strategies and stress-relief exercises. I was fortunate that my workplace had an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that made accessing counseling easier without worrying about the cost. Getting professional help improved my emotional well-being and equipped me with tools to handle future grief as a nurse.
Self-Care
Self-care is crucial, especially when dealing with the grief of losing a patient. My counselor emphasized the need for alone time and relaxation, so I treated myself to a spa day. Getting a massage was incredibly soothing and exactly what I needed to unwind. I could feel the emotional baggage melting away. Beyond the spa, I’ve added other self-care activities to my routine. Taking walks around the neighborhood with my girls, diving into my favorite hobbies, and spending time outside have all been great for my mental health. Even little things like taking a warm bath or curling up with a good book help me feel more balanced. Prioritizing self-care has been a game-changer, helping me stay strong and continue providing the best care to my patients.
Embracing Healing
Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, especially when it comes to losing a patient. As nurses, we form bonds with our patients, even if they’re brief, and their loss can impact us profoundly. It’s essential to acknowledge this grief and take steps to cope with it in healthy ways.
Whether it’s through self-reflection, seeking peer support, professional counseling, or prioritizing self-care, finding what works best for you is key. My journey through grief has taught me that it’s okay to feel deeply, to seek help, and to take time for myself. These experiences have not only helped me grow as a nurse but also as a person.
If you’re a nurse dealing with the loss of a patient, know that you’re not alone. Reach out to your colleagues, find a counselor, or take a day just for you. Grieving is a part of the process, but with the right support and self-care, you can navigate through it and continue providing compassionate care to your patients.
Remember, it’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to seek help. Take care of yourself, just as you take care of others.
